Sigh (Round 2)

Today is my birthday and that means I’m getting closer to 40.  Sigh! Not something I am looking forward to.  For some reason despite that number coming closer and closer I do not look forward to my birthday anymore.  I know the people in my life try to make it feel special but it doesn’t feel that way anymore.  To me it just seems like another day. Although last year’s birthday was very awesome as I was sitting poolside in Dominican Republic.  Couldn’t have asked for a better birthday (except my honey wasn’t feeling too well).  For me as I’ve gotten older they just don’t have the same feeling anymore.  Life, kids, work, the house, etc. all mask the specialness of a birthday.  Kids have it great they get doted on, presents, birthday parties, etc.  I have some friends that seem to have a birthday week with dinners, going out and celebrating, etc, mine is one night and that is about it.  And it doesn’t help it’s the day before Valentines – kinda gets wrapped all into one then.  Man do I feel for the Christmas babies.  I was supposed to be born on Valentines day except I came the day before on a Friday the 13th.  Lucky me!  So 13 is my lucky number and love Friday the 13th.

This year’s birthday takes on a even less special meaning.  My ex whom I knew for 15 years went first, his birthday was in November and therefore he turned closer to 40 before I did.  We were pretty much the same age just a few months apart.  Technically I think I should have been older if he had been born when he was supposed to be (he was a few months early as he was a triplet).  But he is not here!  He died in April last year and so he was not here to celebrate his birthday so he will forever remain 37.

His birthday was extremely hard for everyone, especially his family as he had two sisters left to celebrate the day they were born without their sibling.  It was hard for me to know he wasn’t here to celebrate and ours daughters weren’t able to celebrate with him.  I took them to his grave and we had chocolate cupcakes for him, I tried to make it a happy thing rather than a sad one for them.  I didn’t even tell them it was his birthday till they got home from school.

I’m glad I’m able to celebrate my birthday with my girls and my family but it is just not fair that he isn’t here to celebrate his with his children and his family.

Hoper, Dreamer, Wisher

I hate getting my hopes up.  Why?  Because it never works out.  It never works out the way I hope, dream, or wish.  But I can’t stop.  I try to tell myself don’t get your hopes up you’re just going to be disappointed.  I try and try and try and it never fails, I get my hopes up.  I keep my fingers crossed and start the game.  My hopes are up now for something we are looking to purchase for our family and I found one for a steal and just found out it was a scam.

Thoughts for today:

#1 shouldn’t get my hopes up for something that sounds too good.

#2 if it sounds too good to be true it probably is (got to reading more into it and found out it’s a scam).

#3 how shitty are people these days?

Sigh

I always say I’m going to do this blogging thing.  I have one started for myself and one for my daughter (http://haydensworld.wordpress.com/) who has apraxia and was going to detail her journey with it.  I start off with one or two postings and think I’ll continue and I don’t.  I see so many people with blogs who have so many interesting things to say and post about and I think why should I do this.  What do I have interesting to say or post about.

I like many people make the New Year’s resolutions to change – change whatever we feel needs to be changed – loose weight, get in shape, quit smoking, so on and so forth.  I make these resolutions too and end up failing.  I set out to accomplish something and my procrastination, fears, laziness, etc. get in the way every damn time.  My mind starts obsessing about things but I fail on the action of them.  I want to change for the better – I see so many things in my life that could be better and I’m not just doing it for me I want to do it for my kids too.  I’m in a rut/funk and need to get out of it.  Of course the crappy weather doesn’t help!  So tired of the cold and snow – it doesn’t make me feel motivated to do anything (probably a little season affect disorder going on)!

I want 2014 to be different.  2013 wasn’t great so 2014 needs to be better. 

I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I guess you are your own worst critic.