Sixteen Tons (of you know what)

Yep that’s how I feel about my job!  I absolutely hate it!  Only good part about my job is I get to work from home.  I can be here for my kids to get on and off the bus, I don’t have to get dressed to go to work, and I don’t have to put wear and tear on my car.  Other than that I hate it!  I know everyone says to find another job but I can’t seem to find another one.  Doesn’t appear as easy as it sounds.   I went to college, I double majored and have a b.s. degree that I don’t use.  I don’t have any particular set of skills that I have acquired in my working life to give me the edge over anyone else.  I apply and apply and apply and nothing.  And on the flip side most jobs I see are only part-time, a lot less that what I make now (which trust me isn’t a whole hell of a lot) and no benefits.

At this point in my life my dream job would be to not have one.  I said that when I had my first daughter I couldn’t be a stay at home mom.  Now that my kids are in school all day I totally could be.  I’d love to be able to get the house cleaned, keep up on laundry, make crazy awesome meals for the family, run errands during the day, hell even work out while they were at school then be ready for them to get home.  To not be dog tired at the end of the day and stressed out from dealing with problem after problem with work.  Not to be completely fed up with dealing with stupid all day long and then be short-tempered with my family.

So while I absolutely hate my job I guess I should be thankful I have one.  I just wish it was something I enjoyed and felt like it mattered.

The Happy Wanderer I am not

Nope not even close.  I am a planner not a wanderer!  Got that from my dad although I am not as severe as him.  When planning a trip I plan everything from what to do to places to eat, etc.  We are going out of town in June and I’ve already planned out things to do, places to see, and where to eat.  But I’m ok if all these things don’t pan out or we don’t see or do it all.  I’m really ok with that, I just enjoy the planning part.  (Maybe I should think about a career change.)  My dad on the other hand is a bit neurotic about trips.  He doesn’t get too involved in the what to do, see, or eat part (although him and I were the ones that pretty much planned out our Yellowstone trip a few years back.)  He is neurotic about the getting there part.  He has check points along the way.  He knows how long the drive should take, how much gas we need, where to stop to get gas or switch drivers if it is a long trip.  And we don’t deviate from it!!  I remember as a kid if we needed to go to the bathroom outside a designated stop my dad got all bent out of shape and we stopped on the side of the road.  My mom would open the front and back passenger side doors and help  us do our business.  So we learned quickly growing up you always tried to go to the bathroom when we were stopped even if you didn’t have too.  But we had great family trips as a kid due to my parents planning and I hope to provide that for my kids too.

I’ve tried to learn that it is not only about the destination it is about the journey too.

The Power of Names

My last name is Pierson.  My father’s family came from Sweden and my dad has done some research into the Pierson line.  I was always told that Scandinavian names that ended in the “son” always meant that was the son of so-and-so.  So our last name meant the son of Pier.  Well come to find out that is not totally true.  When my great-grandfather came to the US in 1892 his last name was changed from Persson to Pierson.  He was the son of Per Persson.  Sons in the family took their last name as son of and used their father’s first name (i.e. Johnson is John’s son).  Daughters used dotter of and used the fathers’s first name (i.e. Johnsdotter is John daughter).  So sons and daughters had different last names and there really wasn’t a family name as 1st cousins wouldn’t have the same last name as their father’s would have different first names.  So I have learned that we are related to Johnsons and Andersons etc. because of the naming ways from that area.  I have always be proud of my Swedish heritage as that is really the only line we can trace back to a particular country.  I consider myself 1/4 Swedish and 3/4 mutt.

When I got married I did change my last name to that of my husbands for a traditionalist like I am I always knew that is what I would do when I got married.  After I got divorced he told me to change it back to my married name.  I didn’t run out and do it because he insisted on it.  I wanted to do it for me not him.  However, having children I understand the option of keeping the same last name as your kids too.  I did change it however, I wanted to be known by the name I grew up with not the name I took when I got married since I was no longer married.  I am also in a new relationship and for me taking back my maiden name was a signal to my current boyfriend that I was done with that part of my life and ready to move on.

My first name Jennifer is obviously product of the late 70’s and the popularity of it.  I couldn’t tell you how many Jennifers I went to school with.  I also work with about 5 of them.  I’m not fond of my first name.  I’ve gone by Jenn since 5th grade my family are the only ones that call me Jennifer.  My boyfriend calls me by my middle name Paige because he likes that more than Jennifer (plus his sister is Jennie and his brother had a girlfriend at one point that was Jennifer so we needed to distinguish between us.)   I was teased about my middle name in 4th grade so I never told anyone really about it, I never liked it until now that my boyfriend calls me that.

In thinking about names for my kids there is a lot to consider.  I named my first daughter Sydney and never wanted her to be called Syd.  Well what do you know I’m the one calling her Syd.  I know nicknames and how a kid will be teased are all things I considered when I was picking a name.  For my second that was harder.  We played around with a lot more names and someone suggested Hayden and that is what we picked.  Problem is most people think she is a boy when they just hear the name.  I don’t know how many times she has been called that and I have to correct people.  I think it is more associated with boys and that is why so I feel a bit sorry I gave her that name.  I hope some day when they are older they can find out about the heritage of their last name and be proud of it as I am mine.

I don’t have something so strong :(

A best friend you say?

I was friends with pretty much everyone in the beginning of elementary school.  I was close if you call it that with a few kids that lived in my neighborhood.  We walked to school together and played together.  But at ages 5-8 I wouldn’t call anyone my best friend.  Then in 4th grade we moved to the other side of town so I had to go to a new school for 5th.  I met my neighbor and she kind of took me under her wing.  But in 5th grade I met my best friend.  I got along with everyone but one became my best friend and we were inseparable.  We also had sisters that were the exact same age – same birthday and everything and that helped keep us together.   Then she moved right before high school to another suburb and I was devastated.  We talked a lot on the phone and tried to see each other as much as possible.  But as we got older especially as we went to college we started going our separate ways.  We have our own families and crazy lives that we really don’t have a friendship anymore more of just acquaintances.  My neighbor took me under her wing again.  Got me involved in sports in high school and then she moved.  I found my two other girls who became my best friends – we even passed around boyfriends.  We were inseparable.  Even all 3 of us crammed into a barely two person locker to be by each other – we did that sophomore through senior year.  We had a blast the 3 of us, went through boys and breakups, went through crazy people in school, got in trouble together, did crazy things ourselves together.  We were the 3 amigos.  Even had our own nicknames for each other.  One girl and I were Calvin and Hobbes because we loved them and the other and I were Vern and Earnest (no idea how that came about.)  Even one of the girls and I were going to go to college together and share a dorm room – I was trilled.

Then graduation happened.  And I don’t know what happened but I got screwed over!  Our graduation was on a Friday night.  One girl wasn’t going to have a grad party.  The other one her party was on Saturday and mine was on Sunday.  My boyfriend (at the time) and I spent all day at her party on Saturday.  Got there early to help set up stayed after to clean up and hang out it was a great day!  Then mine the next day – neither one of my two best friends showed up.  I was crushed!  I tried calling them.  No answer.  Days later I finally heard from them – one told me she didn’t feel well and the other said they had to work.  WTF  you couldn’t have called me.  I know it was before the time of everyone connected to a cell phone but we still did have phones in 1994!  The girl I was supposed to go to college and room with told me well into July that she wasn’t going.  Her parents couldn’t afford it.  I call BULLSHIT!  Her parents just bought that year a brand new 1994 Mustang.  I know her family had money.  They had a newly built house and never struggled for anything.  My family on the other hand was a different story.  We weren’t poor by any means but my mom was a penny pincher.  We took great trips as a kid but only flew a handful of times because it was too expensive.  That type.  So when I decided to go to college we made it work.  But now that she wasn’t going I had to go into the pool of people looking for roommates and got some super CRAZY chick.  She was polish and would sit out in the hallway speaking polish to her mom.  Um hello like I don’t know you’re talking about me if you are speaking another language.  She had a boyfriend that  had already graduated from college and was there all the time.  They would drink and get stoned like crazy and have loud horrible sex in the bed right next to me.  It was awful!!!

I never talked to the one girl again until about a year or so ago we reconnected.  Before I left for college I tried to talk to the girl that was supposed to go with me and she was too busy with her boyfriend.  I tried calling and even stopped by her house the night before I left.  Nada!  I received a letter from her while I was at school.  She apologized blah blah blah and told me the ball was in my court now to contact her.  WTF??  Even 20 years later I still remember this and the hurt!  We met over Thanksgiving break and she told me that at the time of graduation she was pregnant and that is why she couldn’t go to school.  She ended up having to go to Kansas or something to get an abortion over the summer because she was too far along to do it in our state.  WTF???  We were best friends and she couldn’t tell me this months before.  She couldn’t let me be there for her to help her through this.  Wow talk about dropping a bomb on someone.  We spoke one time on the phone between Thanksgiving and Christmas break and were totally going to get together over Christmas break.  I called and called and called and she was too busy with her boyfriend for me.  I’ve never seen or spoken to her again.  About 12 years ago she tried to reach out to me, found me on one of those alumni websites.  I was (am) still so hurt by her that I had nothing to say to her.  So I deleted the message.  I’ve found out that she is living in Colorado married, has kids, living the good life.  Well good for her.

The pain that I felt being ditched by my two best friends basically the day after graduation has deeply affected me and forming friendships with other girls.  I sort of became close to someone later on in college and this some things happened and our friendship was severed.  We’ve connected a little over Facebook as she lives in Arizona.  After college I got married, got a house, a job, a family and never found a best friend.

Until recently!  I’ve found some girls that I really get along with,  have fun with, and connect with being with my boyfriend.  He has great family and friends around him that have become my family and friends.  So not only has he added himself to my life and made it better he has added others as well.

So while I still hold a grudge (yes I know it’s been 20 years I should get over it) what happened to me in the past still affects me today but I’m trying to move on.

Golden Years

Most of the time I don’t feel my age. Most of the time I feel younger. Except for those times after up late drinking nights or if I’ve done more physical work than normal then I feel older than I am.
I’m 38 just turned in February. I have a hard time with that number too. Hard time inching towards that next decade of 40. And probably because I don’t feel 38. I don’t look it either. People are always shocked when I tell them my age. But I’m starting to see signs though. A gray hair peeking out. Skin not so fabulous. A few extra pounds that I don’t want and seem so hard to get rid of. Things going wrong with the body – I’ve had gallbladder and thyroid removed. Parts of the ol’ body ache. The mind ain’t always working/remembering so well. But I’m trying to fight back against aging by trying to eat better and workout.
As I get older I have to come to grips with my parents getting older and one day may not be here. My girls are getting older too. They aren’t my little babies anymore (even though I tell them they will always be my babies.). They are turning into little girls and growing up. I’m so not ready for teenage years.
At 38 I never imagined being a divorced mom living with my boyfriend (who is actually younger than me but everyone thinks he’s older-WIN.) I was going to marry “till death do us part “and there was no other option. Boy was I wrong. Never thought at 38 I’d be a mom of two beautiful and wonderful girls who no longer have a daddy. Never thought I’d have to tell my kids this young that their dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. That is still something I’m coming to grips with. Still want to barf when I think about it or see photos of my ex.
But I just keep going through the motions of life. Keep telling my girls to not grow up too fast that is not all fun and games being an adult. Even though I do try to keep having fun. I’ve realized that all I can do is keep having fun, be happy, love my girls like crazy, and watch the years go by.

If I leave

I contemplate that every day!  Leaving my job that is.  I would love to leave my job and honestly not have one.  I always said when my first daughter was born that I was not made to be a stay at home mom.  But now that my kids are in school full time I could totally be a stay at home mom.  I would love to have a clean house, clean laundry every day.  Would love to be able to go to workout classes that tend to happen during the day.  Would love to cook up a storm in the kitchen every day.  Would love to be able to run errands anytime I wanted.  Would love to not be tired or stressed out at the end of the day from working all day.  Would love to not be tied to this computer and desk freezing in my basement everyday (I do get to work from home.)  Working from home does have it’s perks.  I don’t have to get up early shower and get kids ready in the morning, I just throw something on and get them on the bus and run down to my basement to start work.  But I feel lazy!  It does sort of feel good to get up and get dressed in the morning and have a purpose to the day.  I can’t wait to get back to working out in the morning though – just wished it wasn’t so dark and gloomy and cold in the morning – that makes it so hard to get up to workout.

I absolutely with passion hate my job.  The only perk is that I do get to work from home and I am going to attempt to get the summer off.  It is a huge benefit now that I don’t have a babysitter anymore and can be here for my kids to get on and off the bus and I don’t have to put wear and tear on my car driving to work.   And if I am able to get the summer off then won’t have to worry about a sitter for the summer.  But if I leave and look for another job then I’d have to work around this schedule and probably get a babysitter which I don’t want to do.  I love my kids not having to go to one.  I love being able to be here for them.   If I leave and don’t have a job then our income obviously decreases and the kids and I won’t have insurance and will have to look to something else.  The other option is for my boyfriend and I to get married and we all go on his insurance, however his company due to Obama care have pretty much dropped insurance and have gone to other options.  If him and I do get married then I loose survivor benefits I get at this time until my youngest is 16.  It’s really not that much since I work so there is sort of a tradeoff there.

So many things to think about if I leave.