Sigh (Round 2)

Today is my birthday and that means I’m getting closer to 40.  Sigh! Not something I am looking forward to.  For some reason despite that number coming closer and closer I do not look forward to my birthday anymore.  I know the people in my life try to make it feel special but it doesn’t feel that way anymore.  To me it just seems like another day. Although last year’s birthday was very awesome as I was sitting poolside in Dominican Republic.  Couldn’t have asked for a better birthday (except my honey wasn’t feeling too well).  For me as I’ve gotten older they just don’t have the same feeling anymore.  Life, kids, work, the house, etc. all mask the specialness of a birthday.  Kids have it great they get doted on, presents, birthday parties, etc.  I have some friends that seem to have a birthday week with dinners, going out and celebrating, etc, mine is one night and that is about it.  And it doesn’t help it’s the day before Valentines – kinda gets wrapped all into one then.  Man do I feel for the Christmas babies.  I was supposed to be born on Valentines day except I came the day before on a Friday the 13th.  Lucky me!  So 13 is my lucky number and love Friday the 13th.

This year’s birthday takes on a even less special meaning.  My ex whom I knew for 15 years went first, his birthday was in November and therefore he turned closer to 40 before I did.  We were pretty much the same age just a few months apart.  Technically I think I should have been older if he had been born when he was supposed to be (he was a few months early as he was a triplet).  But he is not here!  He died in April last year and so he was not here to celebrate his birthday so he will forever remain 37.

His birthday was extremely hard for everyone, especially his family as he had two sisters left to celebrate the day they were born without their sibling.  It was hard for me to know he wasn’t here to celebrate and ours daughters weren’t able to celebrate with him.  I took them to his grave and we had chocolate cupcakes for him, I tried to make it a happy thing rather than a sad one for them.  I didn’t even tell them it was his birthday till they got home from school.

I’m glad I’m able to celebrate my birthday with my girls and my family but it is just not fair that he isn’t here to celebrate his with his children and his family.

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Hoper, Dreamer, Wisher

I hate getting my hopes up.  Why?  Because it never works out.  It never works out the way I hope, dream, or wish.  But I can’t stop.  I try to tell myself don’t get your hopes up you’re just going to be disappointed.  I try and try and try and it never fails, I get my hopes up.  I keep my fingers crossed and start the game.  My hopes are up now for something we are looking to purchase for our family and I found one for a steal and just found out it was a scam.

Thoughts for today:

#1 shouldn’t get my hopes up for something that sounds too good.

#2 if it sounds too good to be true it probably is (got to reading more into it and found out it’s a scam).

#3 how shitty are people these days?

Sigh

I always say I’m going to do this blogging thing.  I have one started for myself and one for my daughter (http://haydensworld.wordpress.com/) who has apraxia and was going to detail her journey with it.  I start off with one or two postings and think I’ll continue and I don’t.  I see so many people with blogs who have so many interesting things to say and post about and I think why should I do this.  What do I have interesting to say or post about.

I like many people make the New Year’s resolutions to change – change whatever we feel needs to be changed – loose weight, get in shape, quit smoking, so on and so forth.  I make these resolutions too and end up failing.  I set out to accomplish something and my procrastination, fears, laziness, etc. get in the way every damn time.  My mind starts obsessing about things but I fail on the action of them.  I want to change for the better – I see so many things in my life that could be better and I’m not just doing it for me I want to do it for my kids too.  I’m in a rut/funk and need to get out of it.  Of course the crappy weather doesn’t help!  So tired of the cold and snow – it doesn’t make me feel motivated to do anything (probably a little season affect disorder going on)!

I want 2014 to be different.  2013 wasn’t great so 2014 needs to be better. 

I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I guess you are your own worst critic. 

 

To Change or Not To Change?

To Change or Not To Change my name that is the question on my mind.

I am divorced with 2 kids.  If I did not have kids it would be a no brainer to change my last name back to my maiden name, without a doubt I would do it.  But having kids adds a kink in the works.  I understand the concept of keeping your married name so that you have the same as your kids.  But I divorced my ex for many reasons so why should I keep his name?  My ex pushed for me to do it almost demanded I that I did, however, that is something he can’t force me to do and so I didn’t right away because I didn’t want him to think that I did it for him.  And it is a hassle.  You’re all excited when you get married to change your name to your husbands that changing it on EVERYTHING doesn’t seem like that big of a hassle.  And besides when you’re in you’re 20’s you don’t have much anyway.  But now it seems like an even bigger hassle.

The other side of it is with so many Jennifers in the world especially my private and work lives I’ve been defined by my last name.  So I get why not to change it then everyone will need to find a new way to separate me from the rest of the Jennifers but that is not my problem to worry about.  But I do have a man in my life so I do understand from his perspective too why to change my name, my name is a reminder of my past failed marriage and I should move on.  Also the reminder of it by being defined by my last name I think gets to him too.  And if we get married someday I’ll change it to his name anyway so why go through so many name changes.  The DMV may begin to wonder if I have multiple personalities.

I get that I should do it or not do it for me and not worry about what everyone else thinks or feels about it but that is just how I am.  So I continue to mull over the pros and cons of it.

New Year’s Goal: New Job

So I am on the hunt for a new job.  I have been off and on for a number of years now with nothing panning out.  This year it’s going to be different!  I am going to find one!  I need to get out of my current one.  I have determined that I can take a significant pay cut and if I find a job closer to home will come out a head in the end with saving on gas.  Especially because it is rumored for gas to be over $5 by this summer here in Chicagoland.

I need to get out of my current job because I am on a slow sinking ship and like the cruise ship that just sank the top managers will bail out first and leave the rest of us to flounder around.  Its been hard to work with these two new clowns we have at the top they only seek to do things and make policy changes to make it easier for them not anyone else.

I hate that I hate getting up every morning  to go to my job.  I hate that it is a struggle to get out of bed because I don’t want to go to my current job.  I hate that I have work depression – every other part of my life is fine, I’m happy with it but one – work!

I want a job that I am happy to go to.  I want something different to wake up to every day.  I’m over the fact I won’t have a career – too old and too far out of college and away from what I got my degree in to worry about a career at this point.  I wish I could go back to school to learn a skill.  The only thing I got going for me is really nothing (yeah I know what a way to sell myself).  I am good with computers, I work on excel spreadsheets and word etc, every day.  I’ve created power point presentations for trainings and conducted trainings but I don’t have anything that makes me stand out, that makes me different than everyone else out there also looking for a job.  Its kind of disheartening to keep getting no where to never get called back.  Its hard when every job posting wants years of experience or qualifications I don’t have.  Or its hard when most of the job postings are for part time work or for $10 per hour or less.  I don’t want to totally waste the 10 years I’ve been where I’ve been and go totally backwards in pay.  Plus I have to make enough to pay bills and live.  I did have one call back one time but I didn’t accept because I found out it was selling life insurance, and I’m not a sales person that I definately know.

I wish I didn’t still have college loans to pay for a degree that I’m not using.  I wish I didn’t have all the other debt in my life so I could go back to school and learn something else to do with my work life.  I just wish for a new job!

 

Unemployment Office

So every year at this time I get laid off due to the Christmas season shut down – yeah thank you Merry Christmas to you too!

So therefore I have to deal with Illinois Unemployment Office – not fun!  I’d rather have a root canal on every tooth in my head than deal with unemployment.  They are an absolute pain in the ass!  Their website offers no help and to try to call and get something other than a busy signal is next to impossible.  And then if you do get someone its a receptionist who will take a message and maybe pass it along to some one who may call you back.

Last year when I dealt with unemployment I did my little certification process online (I brought my laptop with me to Wisconsin dells to do it so I wouldn’t miss it).  The following week I got a nice little letter saying I checked the box that I was not actively seeking employment.  Yeah – why would I? I had a job that I was returning to the following week.  I even put that I had a return to work date.  So why would I look for work????  Well I guess if you check that box then you don’t get paid.  On the letter it gave me a date and time I needed to contact the local office.  Yeah right!  I tried calling them on 3 phones!!!!!  Since I go nowhere with that the next morning bright and early I got to the local office to be met with a line out the door!!   I waited 2.5 hours to talk to someone for 2 minutes!!  I asked the woman who was helping me why would I look for work when I was going back to work.  At which that point I was back to work and missing work to sit in their office for over 2 hours.  So in the end I told her yes I did look for work and she let my claim go through.

So the lesson is when I get laid off from my current job even if it is only for a few weeks I’m going to look for work.  I am not going to lie to the unemployment office and loose out on money!  I need a new job anyway!  I hate having to go through this every year.

So this year I thought everything was good and low and behold it wasn’t!! Surprise surprise!!  I tried to certify on Monday and got error messages, thought maybe it was due to the holiday.  Tried Tuesday and oh you can only certify on your date or Thursdays or Fridays!! Screw you Illinois unemployment!!! I just want my $400!!  That is all I am getting as you have to wait a week each year.  So I hoofed my butt to the not so closest office just because I figured it wouldn’t be as busy and thank God I was right!  In and out in no time!  However someone called me back to tell me I was given the wrong information, blah, blah, blah.  At this point I was thinking the $400 wasn’t worth this hassle.  It would be nice but it’s not a matter of life and death for me to not have it.  It would help pay for Christmas that went on the credit card but that is a different issue.  So long story short the woman on the phone was able to help me and I just went on and did my certification, hopefully have the $400 next week.

My question is how many thousands of people are unemployed in the state of Illinois?  We’ve had such high unemployment in this state for sure why can’t we give a few of these people a job with the unemployment office? Hey there’s a novel idea!  It would be nice for those of us who have to try to call there to actually get a live body rather than a busy signal.  It would be nice to have more people in the local offices so those of us who have to go there don’t have to wait over 2 hours to talk to someone.  But I actually wrote to Govenor Quinn last year and suggested this.  I normally don’t write to politicians but I was so ticked off last year with my dealings with them that I wrote to him.  Yeah I’m still waiting for a response to my letter.  Don’t worry I’m not holding my breath!  Politics in Illinois is bad to say the least.  I am sure people around the country are laughing at Illinois politics – but I degress on that subject its not one I like at all so I’ll let it go at that.

So here is my rant for today – working on this posting a day thing so that is what I have for today.

I hate Winter

I hate winter, I hate everything about it – the cold, the dreary no sun days, the snow!  I hate how I feel in the winter, I never want to leave the house cause it’s usually so crappy outside.  I hate the blah feeling that I have from the end of fall till spring.  I hate dealing with the cold and on top of it if there is snow on the ground.  Luckily this winter we’ve only had a dusting of snow although they have said we’re supposed to get over 50 inches of snow this winter here in the mid-west.  We’ll see if that happens, if it does it will suck even more because that means it is all going to come in January and February!  I wouldn’t mind the snow so much if it would stay off roads, parking lots, sidewalks, and driveways.  It does look pretty on trees and covering the grass but that is it!  Snow is good in mountains for skiing and scenic places for snowmobiling.  Here we just have cornfields for snowmobiling, yay!  I do live in a crappy place for winter weather and have no hopes of moving soon – family keeps me here.  But I am planning to winter somewhere warm when I retire!