Sigh (Round 2)

Today is my birthday and that means I’m getting closer to 40.  Sigh! Not something I am looking forward to.  For some reason despite that number coming closer and closer I do not look forward to my birthday anymore.  I know the people in my life try to make it feel special but it doesn’t feel that way anymore.  To me it just seems like another day. Although last year’s birthday was very awesome as I was sitting poolside in Dominican Republic.  Couldn’t have asked for a better birthday (except my honey wasn’t feeling too well).  For me as I’ve gotten older they just don’t have the same feeling anymore.  Life, kids, work, the house, etc. all mask the specialness of a birthday.  Kids have it great they get doted on, presents, birthday parties, etc.  I have some friends that seem to have a birthday week with dinners, going out and celebrating, etc, mine is one night and that is about it.  And it doesn’t help it’s the day before Valentines – kinda gets wrapped all into one then.  Man do I feel for the Christmas babies.  I was supposed to be born on Valentines day except I came the day before on a Friday the 13th.  Lucky me!  So 13 is my lucky number and love Friday the 13th.

This year’s birthday takes on a even less special meaning.  My ex whom I knew for 15 years went first, his birthday was in November and therefore he turned closer to 40 before I did.  We were pretty much the same age just a few months apart.  Technically I think I should have been older if he had been born when he was supposed to be (he was a few months early as he was a triplet).  But he is not here!  He died in April last year and so he was not here to celebrate his birthday so he will forever remain 37.

His birthday was extremely hard for everyone, especially his family as he had two sisters left to celebrate the day they were born without their sibling.  It was hard for me to know he wasn’t here to celebrate and ours daughters weren’t able to celebrate with him.  I took them to his grave and we had chocolate cupcakes for him, I tried to make it a happy thing rather than a sad one for them.  I didn’t even tell them it was his birthday till they got home from school.

I’m glad I’m able to celebrate my birthday with my girls and my family but it is just not fair that he isn’t here to celebrate his with his children and his family.

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Hoper, Dreamer, Wisher

I hate getting my hopes up.  Why?  Because it never works out.  It never works out the way I hope, dream, or wish.  But I can’t stop.  I try to tell myself don’t get your hopes up you’re just going to be disappointed.  I try and try and try and it never fails, I get my hopes up.  I keep my fingers crossed and start the game.  My hopes are up now for something we are looking to purchase for our family and I found one for a steal and just found out it was a scam.

Thoughts for today:

#1 shouldn’t get my hopes up for something that sounds too good.

#2 if it sounds too good to be true it probably is (got to reading more into it and found out it’s a scam).

#3 how shitty are people these days?

Sigh

I always say I’m going to do this blogging thing.  I have one started for myself and one for my daughter (http://haydensworld.wordpress.com/) who has apraxia and was going to detail her journey with it.  I start off with one or two postings and think I’ll continue and I don’t.  I see so many people with blogs who have so many interesting things to say and post about and I think why should I do this.  What do I have interesting to say or post about.

I like many people make the New Year’s resolutions to change – change whatever we feel needs to be changed – loose weight, get in shape, quit smoking, so on and so forth.  I make these resolutions too and end up failing.  I set out to accomplish something and my procrastination, fears, laziness, etc. get in the way every damn time.  My mind starts obsessing about things but I fail on the action of them.  I want to change for the better – I see so many things in my life that could be better and I’m not just doing it for me I want to do it for my kids too.  I’m in a rut/funk and need to get out of it.  Of course the crappy weather doesn’t help!  So tired of the cold and snow – it doesn’t make me feel motivated to do anything (probably a little season affect disorder going on)!

I want 2014 to be different.  2013 wasn’t great so 2014 needs to be better. 

I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I guess you are your own worst critic. 

 

To Change or Not To Change?

To Change or Not To Change my name that is the question on my mind.

I am divorced with 2 kids.  If I did not have kids it would be a no brainer to change my last name back to my maiden name, without a doubt I would do it.  But having kids adds a kink in the works.  I understand the concept of keeping your married name so that you have the same as your kids.  But I divorced my ex for many reasons so why should I keep his name?  My ex pushed for me to do it almost demanded I that I did, however, that is something he can’t force me to do and so I didn’t right away because I didn’t want him to think that I did it for him.  And it is a hassle.  You’re all excited when you get married to change your name to your husbands that changing it on EVERYTHING doesn’t seem like that big of a hassle.  And besides when you’re in you’re 20’s you don’t have much anyway.  But now it seems like an even bigger hassle.

The other side of it is with so many Jennifers in the world especially my private and work lives I’ve been defined by my last name.  So I get why not to change it then everyone will need to find a new way to separate me from the rest of the Jennifers but that is not my problem to worry about.  But I do have a man in my life so I do understand from his perspective too why to change my name, my name is a reminder of my past failed marriage and I should move on.  Also the reminder of it by being defined by my last name I think gets to him too.  And if we get married someday I’ll change it to his name anyway so why go through so many name changes.  The DMV may begin to wonder if I have multiple personalities.

I get that I should do it or not do it for me and not worry about what everyone else thinks or feels about it but that is just how I am.  So I continue to mull over the pros and cons of it.

New Year’s Goal: New Job

So I am on the hunt for a new job.  I have been off and on for a number of years now with nothing panning out.  This year it’s going to be different!  I am going to find one!  I need to get out of my current one.  I have determined that I can take a significant pay cut and if I find a job closer to home will come out a head in the end with saving on gas.  Especially because it is rumored for gas to be over $5 by this summer here in Chicagoland.

I need to get out of my current job because I am on a slow sinking ship and like the cruise ship that just sank the top managers will bail out first and leave the rest of us to flounder around.  Its been hard to work with these two new clowns we have at the top they only seek to do things and make policy changes to make it easier for them not anyone else.

I hate that I hate getting up every morning  to go to my job.  I hate that it is a struggle to get out of bed because I don’t want to go to my current job.  I hate that I have work depression – every other part of my life is fine, I’m happy with it but one – work!

I want a job that I am happy to go to.  I want something different to wake up to every day.  I’m over the fact I won’t have a career – too old and too far out of college and away from what I got my degree in to worry about a career at this point.  I wish I could go back to school to learn a skill.  The only thing I got going for me is really nothing (yeah I know what a way to sell myself).  I am good with computers, I work on excel spreadsheets and word etc, every day.  I’ve created power point presentations for trainings and conducted trainings but I don’t have anything that makes me stand out, that makes me different than everyone else out there also looking for a job.  Its kind of disheartening to keep getting no where to never get called back.  Its hard when every job posting wants years of experience or qualifications I don’t have.  Or its hard when most of the job postings are for part time work or for $10 per hour or less.  I don’t want to totally waste the 10 years I’ve been where I’ve been and go totally backwards in pay.  Plus I have to make enough to pay bills and live.  I did have one call back one time but I didn’t accept because I found out it was selling life insurance, and I’m not a sales person that I definately know.

I wish I didn’t still have college loans to pay for a degree that I’m not using.  I wish I didn’t have all the other debt in my life so I could go back to school and learn something else to do with my work life.  I just wish for a new job!